Promises

Woke up at 2am and body was shaking hard, had a nightmare. I sat down for a moment, thinking, why.

Often people make promises because of insecurities, and love of course. But then sometimes promises are made to be broken. It's an act of selfishness. I don't know the definition of a promise anymore. And I am not sure if you still remember our promises because seems like it's not even valid to talk about anymore.

It's easy to say something that you think you can do, because you are already broken, so what's more to lose? Nothing. It's true, nothing to lose anymore am already broken. But the fear of rejection is greater than anything now, seems like broken is nothing to compare with. I don't want to hope for something am not sure with, it's like putting a gun full of bullets to the chest and asking them to pull the trigger. It's not a suicide, it's a murder.

I don't wanna be killed ever again. Life has been like a coma, or dying of a cancer. I just wish that soon it will recover but I doubt it will. I know you dont love me anymore, what we had, means nothing to you. I bet you don't even remember any of your promises.

But I remember, you promised to be there for me. Where are you now.

But You Are Not

You act like commitment is torture but one day you'll see how nice it is to find that person who will always love you and always be there.

I can still smell you on my hands and in the thinnest spaces between the strands of my hair that the wind flows through.


How long can you miss someone before you convince yourself they were a dream & you can't sleep anymore. How long can you miss someone before they're embedded into your skin & their name glows off of your face in the sunlight.

My Dear

This post is not about you. This is about them.

Have you ever felt like you don't feel excited at all for your big day, not even the slightest happiness? I have. Sometimes in life, people get to the limit that they cannot handle the pressure, in my case, I cannot handle the pressure of being away from my parents. With this upcoming convocation, my parents are not gonna be around to celebrate it with me. Sometimes I get too tired from this kind of feeling, not that I am spoiled, but I just cannot stand anymore from living far away from them. And I know that people might think I am lucky that I still get the chance to meet em, but for me it's still not enough. I've been living far from them for so long. Or maybe they are the one who've been living far away from me. It's not that I can choose, it is their decision to make and whatever their reasons, I know it is for the best for all of us. I just wish that someday I got the chance to live with them. Like a whole family. Again. Decades ago.

Over the year, I got the chance to see them more often at the airport than to our home. With father working in Iraq and Oman, mother traveling around, they only come to KL just for transit, few hours at the airport before they continue their journey to somewhere else. They will come to KL this October but they cannot even wait for a day for my convocation. They will leave KL a day before my convo and that sucks. I told them I won't attend the convo and will go to Oman with em, but mom said no. I have to attend my special day. Next thing I know, I just wanna run away. To them.

I get to meet my parents once in a while, my closest siblings once in a while. We don't really talk much. We pretty much keeping everything to ourselves. We don't share much stories and whenever we meet it feels awkward to hug or kiss. We don't say I love you or I miss you as often as other family does. Maybe that's the reason now, when I hug somone, I really don't wanna let go.

Dark Paradise

All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
That's how you sang it

Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
That's how we played it

And there's no remedy
For memory
Your face is like a melody
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me
And telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
(dead like you)

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
That's why I stay here

There's no relief
I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me
But I can feel you touching me
There's no release
I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine

Lana

God

You asked me once what do I think of God.

We are not alone in this world. Definitely not. Even when you think that you are, you are not. God has sent you angels. To protect you. And whenever He gives you difficulty, it is because He loves you. He knows that you are strong and able to accept His test and decision. Whenever you think like you have failed in your life, please know that He never fails you. When you think your plan is ruinned, just know that He has better plan for you. It's not that always we get what we want in this life. Sometimes we don't get what we want because He has prepared something better for us, if it's not in this world, inshaAllah in hereafter. I know that sometimes you feel confuse about life and you get carried away by emotions. All He wants is just simple, He wants you to learn and turn back to Him. I know that am not a perfect person and I cannot answer all your questions about God. But all I know is that you cannot be a bad person because you think there is someone else who is worst than you, so that's okay to be bad. Why not thinking vice versa. You wanna be a good person because many other people are better than you and you wanna improve too. And I know you are a good person because you have a heart of an angel. You help people even when you cannot help yourself.

And I told you God is Great. And you asked me again what do I think of God. God is God.

Jupiter

Hello there!

Yes you. I don't know if you're gonna read this, but just in case you do, this post is about you :) So shut up and continue reading!

I have always been the over-thinking kind of girl. But ever since we became close friends, I don't really care much about things that makes my life complicated. Well you taught me that. It's a freedom. Feeling F good. Well sometimes I still do care about certain things. Yes you keep reminding me to stop thinking too much, nobody cares about the shit I think, that makes sense, so yeah. Whenever you say something, I just feel good, maybe it is your voice, or maybe it is your words, or maybe it is just you. Your words can put me back together again.

I hope today you take one of the pills. Just remember, one at a time.

I miss you to the Jupiter and back. Maybe on my way back, I will visit your bestfriend in Mars :)

Words

When someone tell you "I love you", you don't just reply back with "I hate you". But I know you're joking, I was joking too :)

I could never hate you. How could I?

And it's always feel good when you say "I miss you already". I miss you too munchkin!

A Place Named After You

How much of history we know about why certain cities are named after people? I have my own place that I call after you. It is somehow nostalgic to have that kind of place. That remind you of so many good memories. How the Sun sleeps there. The laughter. The smoke. The book. The Moon and you.

Vivid dream, you were there.

Human

Human.

Warm living things that piss off other living things. Love other living things.

Have you ever stopped doing whatever you are doing at the moment just to observe a human? Like how they read their books, or how they flip their hair, or how they play their video games.

It's just so nice being around human. Human like you.

I am back!

It's been ages since I left my blog but hey am back now! It's just feel good to write again. Been spending the past 2 months to write something, many things, every thoughts that come across my mind. I have a book to write a collection of poems that I find interesting. Another book to write my thoughts. Besides writing, I've been doing some paintings and sketching too! Next step: Scrapbook! I find these beautiful things have lighten up my life. Let the feelings flow. Keep the thoughts alive! I wanna have something in the future that will remind me of the past. And who knows when am gone, these things are the things that will help people to feel my presence. Who knows.

How much of human life is lost in waiting?

The music of your affection
Surrounds the air I breath
The wonder of your passion
My soul will never leave.

Within my heart it glides
As we dance the dance of love
These moments with you
I could never have too many of.

Your kiss to me tonight
Soft as an angels wing
Came out through my lips
In this verse I sing.

I know your out there waiting
I hear your voice away so far
And the beauty of your words
The distance cannot mar.

Our bond it only strengthens
And as the nights go by
I feel your arms around me
As I gaze up to the sky.

The smile upon my lips
It will surely never die
As I'm waiting here for you
Until you're by my side.

-Freida Martinez-

Brida

In life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant. The builders might take years over their tasks, but one day, they finish what they're doing. Then they find they're hemmed in by their own walls. Life loses its meaning when the building stops. Then there are those who plant. They endure storms and all the many vicissitudes of the seasons, and they rarely rest. But, unlike a building, a garden never stops growing. And while it requires the gardener's constant attention, it also allows life for the gardener to be a great adventure. Gardeners always recognize each other, because they know that in the history of each plant lies the growth of the whole World.

Prologue, Paulo Coelho

(Currently reading a novel; Brida)

I am ugly,

but you said I am pulchritudinous.

Am I?

I believe I am, in your eyes :)

The Perfect Two

You can be the peanut butter to my jelly, you can be the butterflies I feel in my belly, you can be the captain and I can be your first mate, you can be the chills that I feel on our first date. You can be the hero and I can be your side kick, you can be the tear that I cry if we ever split, you can be the the rain from the cloud when it's storming, or you can be the sun when it shines in the morning. Don't know if I could ever be without you cause boy you complete me, and in time I'll know we both see that we're all we need. Cause you're apple to my pie, you're straw to my berry, you're the smoke to my high, and you're the one I wanna marry. Cause you're the one for me, and I'm the one for you, you take the both of us, and we're the perfect two, baby me and you. You can be the prince and I can be your princess, you can be the sweet tooth and I can be the dentist, you can be the shoes and I can be the laces, you can be the heart that I spill on the pages. You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser, you can be the pencil and I can be the paper, you can be as cold as the winter weather, but I don't care as long as we're together. You know that I'll never doubt ya, and you know that I think about ya, and you know I can't live without ya. I love the way you smile, and maybe in just a while, I can see me walk down the aisle.

Us

At this point baby, you agree with me. It means a lot to me! Hugs and kisses for you :)

Nothing is more valuable in this world except to have someone who believes and support me.

When I tell you something, I don't expect you to judge this is true or that one is wrong, I just want you to listen, and share your shoulder whenever I need it to hold on to, and then you say to me that everything will be okay.

Sometimes your silence is more needed than your speech, because in that silence I understand that you can hear better what I scream inside.

And baby, I love it when I'm completely wrong, you make it feel right, just for me.

♥ Heart you baby ♥

:)

Enough

People say you'll be more like yourself when you are with someone whom you love and loves you back, you don't hide don't act don't lie and not afraid to be wrong. But I don't feel it anymore, as 1613 days, 38712 hours, 2322720 minutes, and 139363200 seconds that I've been with you passed, I hide I act I lie and I'm afraid to be wrong in front of you. At the moment, you are someone that I feel like a stranger in my life, I can't talk to you as I used to. After so many times we've had heart to heart conversation about our lives, it feels strange now, different, how I hate myself to lie in your face, put on the mask and be someone else instead of being the real me, smile to you as everything is just fine, and act like nothing have ever happened. For this time only baby, I can't be me because you won't let me, you are the reason why I'm like this. If you just let me be myself, this will never ever happen to us. Starting from this moment, I rather keep it myself, to the bottom of my heart, and let time heals the pain. All I want is to be alone. Enough.

Fly Me to The Moon

Guess what? I think I'm the luckiest girl on earth, because I have you :) You could have chosen anyone else, but it's me you have decided. Since the first time we met until now, I've never thought to let you go, no matter how hard is the situation, so do you. We fight sometimes, it's normal, but we know that we can't live without each other. When I say 'I hate you' or 'I don't love you', I never mean it. Even though you just keep silent when we are fighting, I know that you have a lot to say. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve you, you are too kind, and you are the best man in the whole world besides my father. You never say that you hate me or you don't love me, never! You just keep saying that you love me over and over again, and that's more than enough for me.

November eleven :)

What's next?

Baby, please hold on just for two more days, put all your effort and do well for your 'the very final exams', don't get stress up easily, and i pray for your success everyday. Best wishes for you dear. Then you can make crazy beautiful things again with me. I miss your silly joke and smile.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird

I just realized that both of my favorite romantic movies; The Notebook & A Walk to Remember were adapted from novels written by the same person, a talented writer in romantic genre, Nicholas Sparks. I haven't watched The Last Song [the latest movie adapted from Nicholas' novel]. I couldn't manage the time to watch it, not yet, until now. I'm so enthusiast to watch another movies based on his novels; Message in a Bottle, Dear John, and Nights in Rodanthe. Am gonna buy his novels as well soon :) These are some pictures from The Notebook movie, starring Rachel McAdams & Ryan Gosling  

Fresco

'Growing up with love, knowing you is the best thing that ever happen to me. We spent summer beneath the tree, I wrote a poem and read it loud, you were smiling at me like sunshine. We played wood-ball, we swam in the beach, we ate fresh mangoes from its tree behind my house, we cycled to the beach to see the sunrise when it was still dawn, and we took a bus to the nearest town which was two hours journey for a cinema. So many experiences that I've been through with you, none of them is valueless. I don't know if we can do so many things together in the future like we used to do, thinking that you'll be leaving soon for working thousand miles away from me. I love you, I always do, and I'll be waiting for you, that I promise!

mom and dad came to visit me two days before ramadhan, and the 1st day of ramadhan was my birthday. of course they gave me the strength and happiness, after a very long time i hadn't seen them. it was a great birthday present for me. every single night they were here, mom and i had heart-to-heart conversation about almost everything, things that we hadn't had an opportunity to talk before this. i knew dad would leave us soon to qatar to work, so that i spent most of my time with my parents. unfortunately, a day before he left i fell sick so badly. they took care of me so intensely whom nobody but them would do it for me. i still remember, 15 August 2010, 04:30 p.m, the day my dad walked into my room to say good bye, i was lying on my bed, it was the hardest moment in my life, to see him smiling at me and whisper 'get well as soon as possible, my dear'. i tried so hard not to burst into tears, i'd never been so apart from him, not this far! i wished i could accompany him to the airport, at least, but i was so sick and couldn't do anything. the next day, my mom returned back to aceh, leaving me alone again :(

i miss you, papa mama

i remember playing around with your long hair and i miss you

Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence :)

i love you

Siti: a Lady, Inong: a Woman

i adore my name

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."